My own worst enemy when it comes to hurt.

We always think others are the reason for our unhappiness, for our failures, for our lives. What they said, it hurt, it stuck and now its haunting our minds. That niggle,that lie the one that you just think may take you down and you see their face every time that lie breaches your brains walls. What they said that you are reminded of, every time you attempt something new. Those words of loved ones that stung and cut so deep. That harsh treatment from those people, that injustice that stops us living our lives. These are all problems we all face in our lives. Events, circumstance and things that happen that are not our fault and our out of our control. You can't help what offenses were done against you, that was anothers choice. BUT right now, in the midst of your pain you have a choice. I choice to go forward, to keep wading through treacle. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. What they said, made us unhappy, when we failed it felt hard and our lives were hindered when they acted in that horrible way. Acknowledge it, accept what they did. Look it in the face and deal with it. Here are 6 steps I've used for dealing with hurt.

6 Steps to dealing with hurt:

• accept what they did and acknowledge it. It really hurt and was really really painful. 
• Write it all down.
• Forgive the person who did it (its not justifying them, its saying its out of your control and you won't see active revenge) 
• REMEMBER it was a lie, how they treated you was not how you should be treated and was not an account of your character; I struggle with this one but perseverance gets you through. 
• Choose a truth to declare and believe that about yourself. For me, its telling myself I'm loved no matter what. 
• When the hurt tries to remind you again, choose with all your might to tell that lie you have dealt with it. 

The hurt may take a few times to be dealt with before it leaves, you may have to repeat the steps over and over but eventually a new highway will be built in your brain. 

The problem is what I've found is that I am my own worst enemy because what someone said was their choice, but how I responded was mine. Rather than dealing with this straight away, I let it fester and think myself into a headache running what happened over and over again. This makes me my own worst enemy because I took the lie on board and kept it on board. I've got to stop being my own worst enemy and be my own best friend.

ARRRRRRGGG

So many dreams. So much doubt.

Doubts fill my mind. Its so hard to believe in yourself, to believe you are capable and to believe your dreams are reachable and attainable. As I wrestle through my thoughts it feels like i'm walking through treacle, thick thick treacle. I grab ahold of the truth that I can do it, then that doubt comes and I try hold onto that truth, but it gets harder and harder. How can I possibly reach all of my dreams? I read a poem by Nelson Mandela in which he states its isn't our "darkness that scares us rather our light". Am I scared I'm not capable or scared I may just be able to do everything I was told I couldn't do? 

I think it scares me more, my own potential. The anger I have towards myself because I spent so long believing lies, so long believing I was unworthy and being genuinely shocked when people wanted to be friends with me because of all the rejection I faced. So long believing I couldn't write because I had a teacher who used to tell me my stories just were "not right".  But that was then, this is now. If I don't get rid of these mindsets they will inhibit me reaching my goals. I'm focusing all my might and my strength on building these new mindsets of truth. I CAN, I WILL, I AM LOVED. HE is FOR ME,  IS WITH ME, LOVES ME. 

I was told I was not clever to be in the top sets at school, told I couldn't achieve GCSE's good enough to go to 6form so should go to collage. I beat all of them lies, I got my GCSE's as good as the clever group; why don't I just look at the truth. Remember who I am. Remember I am an overcomer, I've overcome things that take people down and keep them down. With the help of others, my strong faith, and myself I have overcome so much. Yet I still doubt, still get taken down. This is it in life, we think we have ahold of something only to have to fight it again and again until its killed, dead and gone. Everytime I think of something good, a negative thought enters my brain but I will not allow it to stay there I have the choice. 

I will overcome my doubt. I will focus on the goal and the truth and run hard to get to it. 

I will remind myeslf, I can. I will proclaim, write down and tell myself I believe it until I do. I will get rid of my unsureness in my heart and start of claim back my confidence. I will empower, encourage, inspire, equip and help build all my friends and family, my readers and everyone who meets me. I will do these things. 

Look outwards its less depressing.

Why do I do that? What am I thinking? How do I feel about that? Why did I just react that way? Why am I angry?

These are questions I constantly ask myself. Constantly. I mean, I'm an analyser by nature. A deep thinker by nature, always wanting to know to try and understand. But I always over think, always get stuck on a line of thought, one thought just spirals and I follow down the path of thoughts. We all overthink certain things in our lives. We look inwards, I don't know about you but I can get so stuck in my mind I forget how to have a conversation at all with anyone. I spend all that time alone, me and my brain that talking to someone about something 'small-talky' is hard. I was told I needed to stop looking inwards and look outwards, this was a very accurate statement so I did it. I was told that I viewed things on a negative slant and I needed to just enjoy life so I'm changing them stubborn mindsets.
Looking outwards is harder at first, but more freeing in the long run. Looking at the world, so much bigger than I. Thinking about something other than trying to work everything about me out, trying to know myself all the time is just exhausting. I'll accept it, I'll say what I fear; The unknown, the fact that I just don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going and who I am. Oh I'm learning about all these things. Looking inwards isn't going to give me the answer I crave.

Look outwards, see your life in perspective in reality. We get told to the old age cliche to see the 'bigger picture'. Thats too cheesy and said too much to mean anything anymore, but see a picture bigger than you. You're life is bigger than what rubbish you're dealing with, that niggle, that lie. You're life is so much more important than how you feel. You are special, significant loved by the one who is love. So maybe we should see it from the outwards, be less judgemental of ourselves and go a bit easier! A man once said to me: " struggle is the sign you're not yet defeated". You are not defeated by friend. Not one bit, but looking inwards will depress you. It did for me.

We're having a confidence epidemic in our teens.

Its happening, an epidemic of low self-esteem.

As someone who is just healing with this issue, trying to work it out and overcoming lack of self-esteem more and more each day, I can see it happening all around. The reason why we have so many 'drop-outs' maybe is not because they are lazy, they may just not believe in themselves enough (some are lazy but not all!).

We are seeing a confidence crisis in girls and boys who really believe at their core they are not pretty, ugly, unintelligent, unworthy and unwanted. Its all around us. I'm sick of it. I can't cope seeing these young people with so much potential feel like RUBBISH. Not on my watch. I've being there, I know what lack of self-belief does to you, it destroys you. You feel isolated, lonely - then the self-pity kicks in- and in turn then start speaking that over yourself and it becomes a self-prophecy leading to you actually leaving yourself out for fear of rejection. This is academically, socially and aesthetically. I see young girls, obsessed with twitter and facebook, having to know the latest trend and feeling genuine anxiety if they don't have the latest phone and outfit. For a while, I believed that maybe they were a bit superficial but there is something deeper that in my ignorance I almost missed; a need to belong, a need to feel loved and accepted and to feel they have a worth. A future. A destiny. The latest phone for a moment brings all of these things but then its over, the latest relationship brings this is the hype of love feelings and hormones, and the highs and lows of emotions but the reality of love kicks in and it hurts. The sacrifice it takes can't always be handled by every young person because some are just wanting to fit in. This is all natural of course, every single person who has being an adult wanted to fit in. Its inbuilt in our DNA but the extent that young teenagers, who are so precious are going to is astonishing. What have we fed them? We blame society but WE ARE SOCIETY. We've sat back and watched our young ones become so obsessed with their looks, not encouraged healthy self-esteem as a general rule and created this place that says "If you're not a size 6, have a hollister jumper and have an Iphone" you can't fit in. Now we have a pandemic of young people who are so blinded by what they should be they can't see who they are. I was like this but with my personality, so blinded by the fact I didn't feel I had lots of friends and was Miss.Popular I didn't see what I was, who I was or what the truth about me was. I now am uprooting lies that are so deep within me, its taking a while to cut them off and build new highways; well how about building it properly from the beginning. I had close friends and family speak the truth over me, but I got so lost in what I was told my own age group, how rejected I felt that I just believed a lie over the truth. This is happening to young people, on a even greater scale because now in a society with statistically more broken families than ever before we are left with broken people. Parents who by circumstance are not co-parenting, single parents struggling to make ends meet. In no way am I crisiting singleness or divorce, sometimes its just a circumstance and not really anyones fault just a situation but its left us with broken parents and therefore broken children who need affection and need love but its hard to give (in no way have parents failed their children) when you have to work to live.

I'm recommending we start speaking positively and engaging our young people in positive conversations. Instead of hearing them affirm over themselves that they are not a model figure (however, it must be noted there is a difference between someone believing a lie and someone who is heavy and needs to go on a diet for health reasons) we have to re-lay the foundations of our young peoples' thinking. By making then say good things over themselves, engaging in positive conversation, helping them believe the truth and educating them into what LOVE says about them not what LIES say about them. We have to open our eyes as a society and start to deal with issues because if we don't history will repeat itself in their children.

The creative fustration.

That frustration, anger the cruel sting of disappointment when our dreams are so close their within grasp, you can grab it, smell it and even touch it; yet almost so far away it seems impossible to quite reach. This is the creative frustration.

That frustration that leads to writing, scribbling out, writing and re-writing. Getting so upset you smash something, throw something or brawl your eyes out. This is the creative frustration.

That frustration that makes you so consumed, in all your own thoughts. Trying to break out and have a civilized conversation is hard all you can think is how to make it work, do it better and get it done perfectly the way you want it and believe it should be. This is the creative frustration.

I never thought of myself as a creative person, but more and more I see these character qualities in me. Feeling so deeply that I get sidetracked, my strong sense of empathy that leads me to overthink a problem, a person and analyse within an inch of life. My obsessive nature and sometimes over analysis and overthinking. My creative mind, seeks to understand the world, but doesn't let it happen naturally. I always have to be going forward moving ahead, boldly stepping out into my dreams that I don't take the time to enjoy my now. Don't take the time to be thankful or to simply small talk. My ADD nature that makes me hard to keep my attention onto just one thing, reverting from obsession to a blaze and overwhelming thoughts that I flutter from thought to thought unable to keep my attention on one thing.

I need to be sustained, need to be held and reminded sweetly that all shall be well. And I have being, I just need to choose to see it and be reminded ever so gently again. I am loved, by the One who is love. He has got me, He has a plan, He has the way forward. I don't need to know it all, just rest in the knowledge that He has done it and give Him the glory.

I believe our creative frustration stems deep into who we are. As creative people we put our souls into whatever we are doing. For me, its public speaking and helping people figure out life. I put my heart into thinking of what to say, what is happening. Getting so obsessive about a problem I won't let it go until I see the solution. But my creativity for wanting to get people to think, to inspire, encourage, uplift, equip and be built as a person internally gets the better of me. I am not super women because I don't quite know how to fix someones problems doesn't make me a failure. My thoughts, my creative thoughts, when unseen, when unrecognised make me feel like a failure, unloved, unworthy and unwanted. When people don't want to listen to how I've just noticed something knew in the intricacies of human nature and how it works, hurts me. To me this is rejection - what has being my biggest fear- but the truth is its not a rejection. Not listening to my creative frustration doesn't mean I'm unloved, it means someone I love can't comprehend what I have to say.


The way to deal with creative frustration is to more and more know we are loved to the core of who we are. If that idea falls on its face, you are still the beloved, you are still loved. Accepting we are loved regardless of what we do is hard for most creative minds because we put our worth in our thoughts and our actions not where it should be in the security of the one who loves and wants us to rest in His arms. Oh Jesus, remind me to do this more, rest in you.

Who am I?

There is a section of culture I hate.

The masking part, we all wear masks. I wear them all the time, I smile when I'm sad. For so long, I hid bihind a mask of a friend, a close dear one. Who I've being brought up with, she was my twin, we did everything together and even have the same name. I subtly and subconsciously allowed someone elses ideas and ideals and what they thought about me become and define me. We've all done it.

I've being a secret nerd my whole life- I love history, politics, human nature she doesn't, she was very fashionable I wasn't. But I let her define me, I started to try and be her. She never forced this on me, I presumed from how popular she was and how she was good at most things she did that she had a winning formula. What is there is no winning formula, just being an individual?

 I don't look like how you'd think. I'm not nerdy in any shape or form in the way I look ; I love fashion but prefer to find new ways to spice up my jeans, t-shirt or shirt, blazer and cardigan and trainers combination. This is my idea, besides looking at blogs and fashion magazines but nothing in the way I look tells you that I'm a nerd. I don't dress differently so you can see my 'uniqueness' I don't stand out in a crowd. But my interests lie in the nerdy section of life. This is not cool for most young adults. When people want to go partying and to nightclubs, I really don't. I want to have a long dinner, watch a movie and talk all night. I want to go to a pub for casual drink and chat. I want to deep chat and talk about everything in life and have true, honest and genuine conversation. I absolutely despise small talk and can think of a million things I'd rather do, than remark about the weather and the biscuits. I can watch Jamie Oliver and Bear Grylls all day, I absolutely love indie movies. Nothing in me is made to be popular and I'm not, I am very well loved but I'm not at the centre of the dancefloor.

Now I've realised that I'm not my bestfriend, I've also realised everything I held onto for comfort, to tell me who I was is a lie. I always thought I had a great knowledge of who I was. The horrible truth is I don't, or I didn't - now I'm starting too. I'm walking a path that not many walk because I've chosen to try and be myself. I'm taking off the mask, and its vulnerable and its scary. I'm out my comfort zone. But I'm learning to accept who I am.

My biggest battle is fear of rejection, rejection for who I am and everything I am. Its happened so much in the brief moments I've tried to be myself. It has also brought be true friendship from a few but rejection from the masses.

To try and figure myself out, I'm accepting that I am loved. Maybe the reason we don't take off our masks is for fear of rejection and that we won't be loved for who we truly are? I am loved always, all the time by the One who is love, by friends and by family. The more I know this, and choose to believe it and tell myself this truth. The more I am becoming be, the more I'm knowing who I am.

Thankfulness is the key to life.

Thankfulness. Just saying thank-you -and meaning it- is not something that is done often.

I don't know what culture you are from, but in England, "thankyou" is just as common as "hello". Its something we say and is ingrained in us from being children, weather we mean it is another matter. However, in all cultures 'thank you' is something that is often not really meant. To be truly grateful for everything that we have and to count our blessings one by one and take the time to appreciate them is rare. However, it is a key to living a good life. There are so many things we all take for granted in our lives, but what if everything you're not actually thankful for was to disappear tomorrow? Would that make you think more about what you are thankful for?
So often, I don't take the time to actually think about what I have. And not complain or find a problem in it. I find myself saying "well yes, I do have food but its not the food I want". Well, its still food is it not? It may be wholemeal (Wholeweat) bread instead of the seeded one of my preference but it is still good.

Thankfulness is something that has to be thought about, deliberately and spoken about by choice. Am I the only one who finds it easier to talk about what I don't have, what I can't do and what I don't do than everyone else? I've noticed this, so I've decided to change my mindsets on the matter. Everyday, I choose to say what I like about my day, think about it and be actually thankful for it. Not only that, but It makes me feel better to know that there are good things in life that I have.

So my challenge for you is to start to think about being thankful for what you actually are thankful for, to choose to think and talk about these things by choice.