My own worst enemy when it comes to hurt.

We always think others are the reason for our unhappiness, for our failures, for our lives. What they said, it hurt, it stuck and now its haunting our minds. That niggle,that lie the one that you just think may take you down and you see their face every time that lie breaches your brains walls. What they said that you are reminded of, every time you attempt something new. Those words of loved ones that stung and cut so deep. That harsh treatment from those people, that injustice that stops us living our lives. These are all problems we all face in our lives. Events, circumstance and things that happen that are not our fault and our out of our control. You can't help what offenses were done against you, that was anothers choice. BUT right now, in the midst of your pain you have a choice. I choice to go forward, to keep wading through treacle. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. What they said, made us unhappy, when we failed it felt hard and our lives were hindered when they acted in that horrible way. Acknowledge it, accept what they did. Look it in the face and deal with it. Here are 6 steps I've used for dealing with hurt.

6 Steps to dealing with hurt:

• accept what they did and acknowledge it. It really hurt and was really really painful. 
• Write it all down.
• Forgive the person who did it (its not justifying them, its saying its out of your control and you won't see active revenge) 
• REMEMBER it was a lie, how they treated you was not how you should be treated and was not an account of your character; I struggle with this one but perseverance gets you through. 
• Choose a truth to declare and believe that about yourself. For me, its telling myself I'm loved no matter what. 
• When the hurt tries to remind you again, choose with all your might to tell that lie you have dealt with it. 

The hurt may take a few times to be dealt with before it leaves, you may have to repeat the steps over and over but eventually a new highway will be built in your brain. 

The problem is what I've found is that I am my own worst enemy because what someone said was their choice, but how I responded was mine. Rather than dealing with this straight away, I let it fester and think myself into a headache running what happened over and over again. This makes me my own worst enemy because I took the lie on board and kept it on board. I've got to stop being my own worst enemy and be my own best friend.

Who am I?

There is a section of culture I hate.

The masking part, we all wear masks. I wear them all the time, I smile when I'm sad. For so long, I hid bihind a mask of a friend, a close dear one. Who I've being brought up with, she was my twin, we did everything together and even have the same name. I subtly and subconsciously allowed someone elses ideas and ideals and what they thought about me become and define me. We've all done it.

I've being a secret nerd my whole life- I love history, politics, human nature she doesn't, she was very fashionable I wasn't. But I let her define me, I started to try and be her. She never forced this on me, I presumed from how popular she was and how she was good at most things she did that she had a winning formula. What is there is no winning formula, just being an individual?

 I don't look like how you'd think. I'm not nerdy in any shape or form in the way I look ; I love fashion but prefer to find new ways to spice up my jeans, t-shirt or shirt, blazer and cardigan and trainers combination. This is my idea, besides looking at blogs and fashion magazines but nothing in the way I look tells you that I'm a nerd. I don't dress differently so you can see my 'uniqueness' I don't stand out in a crowd. But my interests lie in the nerdy section of life. This is not cool for most young adults. When people want to go partying and to nightclubs, I really don't. I want to have a long dinner, watch a movie and talk all night. I want to go to a pub for casual drink and chat. I want to deep chat and talk about everything in life and have true, honest and genuine conversation. I absolutely despise small talk and can think of a million things I'd rather do, than remark about the weather and the biscuits. I can watch Jamie Oliver and Bear Grylls all day, I absolutely love indie movies. Nothing in me is made to be popular and I'm not, I am very well loved but I'm not at the centre of the dancefloor.

Now I've realised that I'm not my bestfriend, I've also realised everything I held onto for comfort, to tell me who I was is a lie. I always thought I had a great knowledge of who I was. The horrible truth is I don't, or I didn't - now I'm starting too. I'm walking a path that not many walk because I've chosen to try and be myself. I'm taking off the mask, and its vulnerable and its scary. I'm out my comfort zone. But I'm learning to accept who I am.

My biggest battle is fear of rejection, rejection for who I am and everything I am. Its happened so much in the brief moments I've tried to be myself. It has also brought be true friendship from a few but rejection from the masses.

To try and figure myself out, I'm accepting that I am loved. Maybe the reason we don't take off our masks is for fear of rejection and that we won't be loved for who we truly are? I am loved always, all the time by the One who is love, by friends and by family. The more I know this, and choose to believe it and tell myself this truth. The more I am becoming be, the more I'm knowing who I am.